death and dying

Tonight David and I talked about standing with, loving, supporting and caring for those who are dying. I have had many opportunities to be in that privileged position and I consider it a blessing from God. It always asks me to be the best that I can be. To surrender all the ideas I have about how life will go and when death should happen. To let go of everything that I think and feel so that I can be there for someone else and to be present with how they think and feel. I realize that my self identification comes from repeatedly coming present with my loving, my acceptance, my compassion, my extraordinary strength and my tender heart during these periods of service.

Once, when Anson was pretty close to passing over I was lying in bed with him, silently chanting...asking inwardly for the ministerial body of my church to be present and to assist Anson in his passing. Inwardly I heard them chanting their support along with me. Anson motioned for me to come closer so he could whisper in my ear...he said, "it's pretty...but too loud. Chant softer." As if I needed confirmation about what is real and what is the maya of this world. I should have expected this from Anson because when his wife and I and a couple of friends did prayer communion with him, he told us he could see something working with him....and then he asked for ice cream..he was so cool-a-rama...but anyway......

I am not sure how I came to this ministry but I bring my strength and love to it. What became clear to me tonight when David and I were talking is how much healing it has brought me. It was only in talking about that I became consciously aware for the first time that I am no longer angry at God for stealing my father on my 10th birthday. I can bring myself to that day and to that exact moment without grief.

The impact of that really didn't hit me so much in the moment, but I was driving home along PCH tonight when Linda Ronstadt reminded me that "Love Has No Pride"...a song that has the potential to bring me to my knees and I had this moment that went like this...you know what. I'm ok. Life is ok. I'm happy.

There have been too many who have passed for me to name them all, but each one has left their mark on me. To a man they have revealed their hearts and their souls to me and healed me so profoundly in ways I could never have been smart enough to ask God for.

I used to define myself by my drug induced, lack-filled behavior in the days when lack and drugs were a regular part of my existance. Now I define myself by the depth of my loving, by my willingness to serve and by the acceptance, calm and strength I bring to that service. Thank you everyone of you who have allowed me to heal my fragile heart and to know myself as a soul and a minister.

God bless us all

Rachelle